


The One That Got Away

by sarahannie91



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29318379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahannie91/pseuds/sarahannie91
Summary: Nick comes back to New York in the wake of Ed Tucker's death to help out a friend. Bensaro comfort with a Tuckson scene extension from The Longest Night of Rain.
Relationships: Nick Amaro/Olivia Benson, Olivia Benson/Ed Tucker
Kudos: 1





	The One That Got Away

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! I'm backing with another heart-wrencher! This is ultimately a Bensaro comfort fic with a very large Tuckson flashback that satisfies all your needs for closure between the two!
> 
> This was longer than expected so I did split it into two parts. Enjoyyy!

The sounds of soft giggles and quiet voices drifted down the hallway causing a smile to stretch across Olivia's lips as her soapy hands washed the dishes in the sink. She heard the door to Noah's bedroom latch as she finally turned off the sink and wiped her hands on a nearby dish towel.

"Little man was grilling me on anything and everything I know about salsa dancing." He chuckled as he reached the kitchen. Having him here, hearing his voice soothed her in a way she hadn't felt in a long time. Olivia turned around and braced herself against the counter behind her as she looked at him. Nick. Her partner, her best friend. "I apologize in advance if he wants to take a salsa class, Tio Nick will foot the bill."

Seeing him standing there instantly brought her back, he hadn't changed a bit. Okay, maybe his short beard and the light smattering of silver whiskers accompanying it were new additions. But he still had that youthful twinkle in his eyes that shined whenever he smirked at Olivia. She had always had a soft spot for that.

Rolling up the sleeves of his white dress shirt to his elbows, he grabbed the dish towel out of her hands as he approached the now empty sink. If he had it his way, she would never have to lift a finger, always the gentleman his mami raised. "I beat you to it, Amaro." She taunted as she snatched the towel back from him.

"Always the overachiever, _Captain."_ He teased. There was that twinkle again.

Looking down as her hands folding the dish towel, she shrugged. Her hair was half pulled up into a lazy twist, causing some strands to fall in her face. "I couldn't have done it without you or the rest of the squad, you guys deserve just as much credit as I do when it comes to that." Her eyes met his and he saw a solemn shadow cloud her warm brown eyes. "And some other people too." She muttered lowly, almost to herself, as she averted her eyes and busied herself with finding a spot to wipe on the counter.

There it was. The reason he was here. As much as he didn't want to admit it he didn't fly all this way for a fun, social visit. He was worried about her, they all were. It had been less than two weeks since Ed Tucker had taken his own life, leaving Olivia reeling. Most of the time it felt like her world was spinning out of control around her and whenever she tried to grasp a thread of normalcy, it slipped right through her fingers. Eluding her attempts at peace time and time again.

Olivia's eyes were unseeingly focused on where her thumb worried the fabric of the dish towel as he approached her. It was difficult for Nick to turn off his "cop" brain, he was especially skilled at reading body language and she was one of his favorite books. One of her shoulders lifted causing her cutoff sweatshirt to fall a bit. It was a subconscious gesture she always made when she was feeling vulnerable, as if she was trying to hide behind her shoulder. He pushed her chestnut hair behind her bare shoulder, his knuckles brushing against her collarbone. "Go relax", he instructed softly as his thumb moved soothingly against the junction of her neck. "I'll get the wine."

_"You really didn't have to do this, Liv. I could've gotten home on my own." he halfheartedly protested as they entered her apartment. No matter how many times she heard it throughout the last couple of days, hearing his raspy voice say her nickname did things to her heart. She peaked at him out of the corner of her eye as he patted the pockets of his jacket, taking out his cell and slipping it into his pants pockets while leaving his keys in his coat. A habit he had always done, a habit that was very Ed. Always organized, everything always in the same place. "Still stubborn, I see", Olivia teased as she shrugged out of her heavy coat and took off her scarf. "I'll make some coffee, warm you up a bit before I get you an uber. Make yourself at home."_

_The words rang in her ears as soon as they left her mouth. At one point in time, this_ was _his home. Maybe not officially, but he slept here more often than not, he put Noah to bed when she had to work late. For a significant amount of time, his life happened in this apartment._

_Ed was grateful that Olivia moved into the kitchen and busied herself with making coffee because being in her apartment again made his chest tight. The progression of his disease had lead to a shift in his emotional state. He felt things more acutely, but in true Tucker fashion he kept his emotions close to his vest._

_The place was different but it was the same. All of Noah's toddler toys have been upgraded to video games and older boy toys, but the layout was still the exact same. He could probably still move around the space in pitch darkness. The way he used to when he would get a glass of water in the middle of the night or when he would carry Olivia to her bedroom, his face buried her neck after a late night romp on the couch._

_Sinking into said couch, Ed's nostrils tingled and head spun as an aroma that was undoubtedly Olivia expelled from the cushions and engulfed him. It was intoxicating. In an attempt to focus his hazy mind, he concentrated on the three familiar picture frames positioned on the coffee table. The frames were familiar but some of the pictures have been changed._

_The one that remained the same was the picture of the entire squad from Noah's adoption party. Olivia and her chosen family, her smile in that picture could light the whole island of manhattan. The second one had been updated from Amanda and Jessie to the blonde and both her young daughters._

_It was the change the third frame stung his heart, it had housed a picture of the three of them in Paris. In the photo, they were standing in the park surrounding the Eiffel Tower, Noah was on his shoulders and Olivia was tucked into his side smiling up at her son. It was his favorite photo of them, possibly his favorite photo of all time. Now, the picture that had taken its place was one of Noah and Jessie pig piling on Carisi in Central Park._

_His attention was drawn away from the photos as Olivia sunk down onto the couch next to him, holding out a steaming mug. He accepted the coffee graciously, a warmth spreading throughout his body._

_Whether it was from the hot beverage or the feeling of her fingers slipping through his was to be decided. "As much as I appreciate this, Liv, it's not necessary." He took a sip of the warm liquid and his lips quirked just the tiniest bit, reveling in the way Liv made his coffee perfectly. Just enough sugar to cut the bitterness of the coffee. It was a difficult balance but she had always executed it flawlessly._

_"It's a long way back to Queens. Plus my intentions may be the slightest bit selfish", she countered as she pulled her legs underneath her. She must've snuck into the bedroom to change because now she was dressed in black leggings, thick socks bunched at the ankles and an oversized amber knit sweater. Her hair was pulled up in a loose twist with several loose hairs framing her face, his favorite. The weight of his gaze on her did not go unnoticed, she knew her statement would intrigue him. Olivia wasn't proud of it, but it was the truth. It was a set up for the words dancing on the tip of her tongue. "I'm not ready to let you go just yet."_

_Hearing her say those words sent an electric jolt through every single one of his nerve endings. There had been many mornings when he had those words echoing in his head and his straddled the line of consciousness. She looked up from her coffee and over at him, her soft eyes warming him in their chocolate gaze. Those eyes mesmerized him, they always had._

_Not trusting himself, he gave her a closed lipped smirk from behind his mug before taking a sip. She watched him intently, willing her mind to remember every detail of his face. His vibrant blue eyes and the way they would always find her in any room. His furrowed brow she always loved to soothe with her gentle fingertips as soon as he had fallen asleep. The sharp lines of his face and the way her nose would fit so perfectly along the strong line of his cheekbone whenever she pressed her lips against the flat plane of her cheek. The way her eyes were devouring every dip curve and shadow of his face was merely a formality, he was already seared into her mind forever._

_Clearing her thickening throat, she looked back to the comfort of her coffee cup. "I lost my brother not too long ago." She revealed, tapping her palm lightly against the warm ceramic of the mug. Her voice was horse and barely above a whisper._

_"Oh, Liv", Ed breathed softly, genuine concern softening is hard features. He shifted towards her as he stretched his arm along the back of the couch, his large palm falling to her shoulder._

_Waving a hand dismissively, she tried to give him a small smile but the tears that shone in her eyes told a different story. There hadn't been much time for her to fully grieve Simon's death, she busied herself with Noah and buried herself in her work. But the way his thumb was moving soothingly against her shoulder, the warm concern radiating from his eyes, she felt safe enough to fall apart. And if the circumstances were different maybe she would have, but she couldn't. Not when Ed was going through what he was._

_Clearing her throat and shaking her head, she willed her eyes to absorb the tears that littered her lash line before looking up at him. "It just taught me that people deserve to get their flowers while they're alive. I know how modest you are so I'm sorry if this is painful for you." She teased as she tossed him a playful look out of the corner of her eye._

_Giving her a solid nod, he dropped his hand from her shoulder as he leaned back a bit and she missed it immediately. Despite not being there for almost three years, he still looked like he belonged. Like he was home. One of his elbows was bent over the back of the couch with one of his legs bent at the knee, his ankle rest on his other knee. He held his mug as it rested on his bent leg and Olivia couldn't help the smile that pulled at her lips. Ed was such a dad despite not having any kids, she had once hoped she would be the woman that made him a father. She pushed those thoughts away, she couldn't let her mind go there right now._

_"You are a good man, Ed Tucker." She began slowly, almost tentatively. There hadn't been a moment since Ed revealed his diagnosis that she wasn't on the verge of tears. She worried that if she spoke too quickly, that all her hopes, her dreams, her fears would come bubbling to the surface all at once. A deluge she knew she would not be able to withstand. When she continued her words were deliberate, her pace measured. "I have never felt more safe and grounded than I did when we were together. You gave me a family", her voice broke on the last word. She pressed her hand against her mouth in an attempt reign in the emotion that was bubbling in her chest, her lips quivering against the back of her fingers._

_Feeling the couch dip next to her, she sensed a heat radiating against her side. Through her tears, she she saw his jean clad knee pressed against hers. She looked up at him, her hair whipping out of her face as she did so and he leaned forward to place his mug on the coffee table. One of his arms was stretched behind her along the back of the couch, his warm palm resting against the back of her neck while his thumb rubbed soothingly against her hairline. His other hand held her free one, the tenderness of his touch was enough to choke the remaining words from her throat._

_"I mean no disrespect to your wife", she began as she looked up at him, her soft brown eyes glimmering with tears in the low light. "But I do think you are the love of my life. You have set an extremely high bar for any man I meet in the future. They'll always be held to the standard... you set." The last words were barely a strangled sob and she hung her head in an attempt to reign in her emotions._

_The hand at the back of her neck gave it a reassuring squeeze while his other one brought her hand to his mouth, his lips brushing against her knuckles. The feeling of his soft lips made her look up at him and she was met his his glassy eyes looking back at her as his rough chin leaned against the back of her hand. Those icy blues really could do a number on her. Ed wanted to say something, she could tell. His lips twitched as if he was about to speak before he retreated back into his mind and then he repeated the cycle._

_"I appreciate you saying that." He finally rasped, his dewey breath puffing along her wrist. He paused and pressed his thin lips against her knuckles again, she waited for his words with baited breath. "You, Olivia Margaret Benson, are the one that got away. I knew it from the second I walked out that door."_

_There were so many things he wanted to tell her. That he had been waiting to hear those words from her perfect lips, that if he wasn't sick he probably wouldn't be married. That if there was a choice, he would pick Olivia every single time. But he feared that his words would cause more harm than good._

_"You ever think about it?" Her smooth voice broke through his thoughts, her hand turning over in his so their warm palms were pressed together. "What would've happened if I didn't make you walk out that door? I do."_

_They were approaching dangerous territory but no matter how hard he tried he could not find it in himself to slam on the brake."Liv...", he trailed off in almost a warning manner, the most effort he could muster as their fingers intertwined like old friends embracing._

_"Please", she practically pleaded, the way the low light in the room glimmered in her soft brown eyes was bringing him to his knees._

_Taking a deep breath through his nose, he took a beat and looked down at there joined hands while he gathered his thoughts. "I would have proposed very shortly after that, I think." She hung on every raspy word that came out of his mouth, he just didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't think, he_ knew. _There had been a deposit put down on a ring, he was just in the process of brainstorming ideas for the proposal. "We would definitely be married by now." he continued as he looked up at her expectant face, his eyes tracing every curve, every line. "I would have still retired, would've made it easier to take care of Noah and the baby."_

_"Baby?", she choked on the word, her eyes glistening._

_Muscle memory overcame them and she sunk into his side as his arms surrounded her. "I know we're older, but I would've liked to give you a baby the old fashioned way. At least I know we'd have fun trying." He chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood, earning a choked laugh muffled against his chest. "If not, we could have adopted a baby. Noah would make a good big brother."_

_Nodding against his shirt in agreement, she quickly wiped the tears away from her cheeks before pulling away to sit straight. "That sounds like a dream." She sniffled, giving him a watery smile._

_"It's one of 'em." He gave her a sad, small smile as his eyes dropped to her lips. They trembled with the effort to keep her tears at bay._

_The efforts were in vain when a fat tear escaped her flooded eye and she quickly swiped it away. "I wish it was real." She revealed sheepishly, embarrassment slowly creeping her body as she averted her eyes. He ached to tell her he did too, for over a year and still every once in a while. That up until he met Patty, he still reached for every morning when he woke up. The way his heart would jump when he would her melodic voice saying his name whipping through the wind._

_But he made a promise to himself when he found out he was sick. No regrets, there was no use living in the past when your future is a time bomb._

_Taking her hands in his, he drew them towards him, her eyes and attention following suit. "It's better like this", his coarse voice tried to reassure her and if he was being honest, himself as well. "You saved one, possibly even two, kids from a lifetime of heart break. This way..." he paused, turning his head looking longingly in the direction of the bedrooms, "Noah won't even remember me."_

_Those words absolutely broke her. Two plump tears slipped from her eyes as they closed against the anguish that had washed over her. Leaning forward, she pressed her forehead to his jaw, subconsciously seeking comfort in the feeling of his skin. Ed was silent but she felt the way his breath caught and knew he was struggling just as much as she was._

_Their hands reached for each other on their own accord, his holding the back of her neck while hers gripped the material of his shirt. They had always been like magnets, even with the negative force in the beginning of their professional relationship that repelled them from each other. All it took was for one thing to shift and then no one could stop the electricity that crackled between them, the force that drew them together no matter what room they were in. She couldn't imagine living in this world without that energy, his energy._

_The chime of her phone broke through the thick silence that had encompassed the room. Pulling away from him, she checked her phone while he scrubbed his hand over his worn face. "Your Uber is five minutes away." She cleared her throat as her voice cracked, thick with tears and emotion. She looked up at him his her hot, glassy eyes. He had his elbow on the back of the couch with his hand covering his mouth as he gazed towards the back hallway._

_It was true what they said, your whole life really does flash before your eyes before you die. But it's not always at the last split second, it happens when you finally accept that you that your end is here. For Ed, it had been happening for months. Every familiar place he went acted as a back drop for every memory he had there, replaying like an old 8mm home movie on a old white sheet._

_A blessing and a curse._

_The memories that hallway had flooded his mind. Olivia measuring toddler Noah against one of the doorjambs. Noah watching him intently as he fixed a squeaky hinge. Olivia wrapped around him, pressed against the wall, their need for each other outweighing that of making it to the bedroom. Her booming laugh echoing throughout the apartment as a soapy Noah ran from the bathroom, his mom in tow with a fluffy towel._

_It was better than his favorite movie._

_"Ed", her soft voice broke through the deluge of images. Nodding, he cleared his gruff throat and rose from the couch and she followed suit, right behind him as he made his way to the foyer. They were silent as he put on his outerwear, Olivia watching his every move with wrapt attention. It wasn't lost on her that these were the last images she will have of him._

_A wave of panic washed over her as he finally turned towards the door, his back to her. "I can walk you down if you w..."_

_Spinning around swiftly, he caught her by the waist and pressed her up against the wall, his lips swallowing her words. There was a brief moment of shock before she melted into him. Her hands slid around his waist and up his back, under his coat. The feeling of her eager fingertips made a shiver run through him as he pressed himself even more into her. She had come to terms with the fact she would never feel his lips again but now that it was happening she couldn't stop the tears that sprung behind her closed eyelids._

_One of his hands held her face while the other braced against the wall behind her. He knew that if his hands traced the familiar lines of her body there was no way he would leave this apartment. His tongue swiped at her plump bottom lip before taking the sensitive tissue between his, he needed to taste her just one last time._

_The buzzing from the phone in her back pocket vibrated through both of them and he knew it was his time to go._

_Framing her chin between his thumb and forefinger, he pulled away with all the willpower he could muster. She practically whimpered as they parted, his blunt teeth lightly scraping her lip in the process. His eyes searched every curve and valley of her face, taking the opportunity to absorb as much of her as he could while her bleary eyes lazily blinked open._

_When her vision came into focus, she saw the way he was drinking her in. His face so intense, so handsome. She reached up and ran her gentle fingertips over his furrowed brow, smoothing out tension he held there._

_Catching her hand, he held it to his chest before taking a deep breath. "Don't ever think that you don't have a part of me, Liv." He pleaded lowly, hoarsely, his eyes moving between her lips and eyes as he spoke. "I've been trying to get it back for the last three years but it belongs to you. It has ever since you walked into that bar in that trench coat I love, coming at me about Amaro and his dad."_

_Something that sounded halfway between a chuckle and a sob escaped her lips as she brought a hand up to wipe away the tears that were now flowing freely down her cheeks."We grew up together, kid." He tried in a lighter tone, dropping his head and looking at her from under his brow._

_When he first met her, she was a green detective with an eager appetite for justice and while there might have been times when they were at odds, it was an honor to have been able to watch her rise through the ranks. She gave him a teary smile as she reached her hand out running the back of her knuckles against his rough chin._

_Leaning foward, he pressed his forehead against her temple. "I'll never forget that." His voice broke before he pressed his lips against the apple of her cheek._

_Taking a step back, his eyes lingered on her longer than usual and she sighed heavily, leaning back against the wall and meeting his gaze. "Always the most beautiful in the room." He smirked._

_Looking around her apartment, she looked back at him, her expression matching his. "Not much competition." She shrugged._

_A small smile spread across his lips as he grabbed her hand and pulled her off the wall, walking towards the door. He inhaled a deep breath and opened the door before turning around and taking her in his arms again. They both exhaled into each other, wanting to stay this way but knowing they didn't have enough time. They never had enough time._

_"Take care of yourself, Olivia Benson." He whispered against her hair before kissing the side of her neck. When he stepped back, he fixed her with his blue, glassy eyes. "That boy too." He added and she nodded and gave him a small smile through her tears._

_Olivia watched as he turned and made his way down the hallway, committing everything about him to memory. The fall of his feet, the way he shook his arm to adjust his watch as he walked._

_"Tucker...", she called, her voice a bubble escaping her throat. He turned around and looked back just as he reached the elevator, barely fifteen feet away. Placing her hand on her chest, she cleared her throat. "Noah remembers you. He calls you 'the man that took us on an airplane and made mommy happy.'"_

_The smile that erupted from him lit up his entire face face, wrinkling his cheeks and squinting his eyes, as he pressed the elevator button. Such a simplistic statement from a child's viewpoint but it made his heart swell so much he thought his chest would burst. They held each other's gaze until the elevator doors opened, when they did he gave her a nod and stepped in._

_A smile like that from Ed Tucker was rare, she never thought she would see it again. That smile being her last memory of him was the greatest gift he could have left her with._

**Author's Note:**

> *struggles to catch breath from sobbing* how we doing, y'all? This is the first fic that I cried writing... multiple times.
> 
> So next chapter will be more focused on Bensaro... I have the whole thing mapped out but reviews will motivate me to write *wink wink*
> 
> Thank you!


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